Recently I came across an article in an LDS (Latter Day Saint/Mormon) magazine titled "When Your Child Doesn't Fit the Mormon Mold." It was from a frustrated mother asking for patience and understanding who was suggesting some "tips" of how to help those youth who don't fit the mold feel welcome at church.
I thought to myself "What if an adult doesn't fit the mold?" I've never fit the mold. I joined the church when I was 18, and was a single mother. People made me feel warm and welcomed; I never felt judged. But it was different. I was a single mother until my daughter turned 8. I've always been a working mother which until the last few years, was not the norm among Mormon women. I always felt like I had to excuse why I worked. Most people assumed I worked because I wanted to. I was lucky to have great jobs and a career I loved but I worked because we needed the money to survive! I always envied mothers who got to stay home. I would have loved to have stayed home when my children were younger. But that didn't happen. And again, I didn't fit the mold. Now my children are grown and we are empty nesters. 90% of the members of our age group are busy with their grandchildren. We don't have grandchildren yet. Just another difference.
These are the obvious examples of why I didn't fit the Mormon mold. But there are less subtle and obvious ways. I work in the field of Social Services. I hear and read about and staff and witness the worst of the worst every day, but I also get to see heroes and happy endings to many sad situations. I work with amazing people who work hard and get paid little to protect children and preserve families. Sometimes it doesn't work. And that's hard. Every day I feel like a little piece of my heart chips away. I fight hard every day to not let go of it completely. Because if and when I do, then I know it's time to stop doing what I'm doing.
Most members of my church don't understand my world, and they shouldn't have to. They have real concerns and issues too, but I have a hard time sometimes relating to and comparing other's trials and challenges to those I see every day; and that's not fair to do. Nevertheless, I often feel alone and misunderstood.
I am blessed to have my best friend and my cousin in my congregation. They really "get me" and they set me straight on things and help me put things in perspective when I'm having a hard time. If you're a Grey's Anatomy fan, you will understand when I say "she (both of them) is my person." In this case, they are my people. One day I walked into the women's organization at church and stepped in front of some sisters (that's how we refer to women in our church) to sit by my cousin. One sister said, kidding, or maybe not..."Oh, so you can't sit anywhere except by your cousin?" I laughed, leaned over to my cousin and whispered, "yeah, that's pretty much it since she's the only person in the room I like." Then we laughed together. We do that a lot. I was kidding!! or not :) It's not that I don't like them, I just feel like I don't connect with them or have anything in common with them.
But I do!! As different as our lives are, we share the most fundamental beliefs about where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going. We live very different lives, but we believe the same things, for the most part. Although I struggle with some things more than others, I know that no matter how different I am from all the other sisters, we do connect and we do share something! I haven't been a faithful and participating member of my church and religion for 40 years without having faith and belief. I know when I walk into any LDS chapel that I share something in common with any woman there, as different as our lives may be.
So, yeah...I don't fit the Mormon mold. I was a single mother. I work outside the home. I don't have grandchildren. I am not good at the traditional Mormon skills like cooking, baking, canning, sewing, crafting, etc. In fact I pretty much hate them all! I drink Pepsi (for clarification that is not against Mormon teachings, just somewhat discouraged)....in fact my neighbor and friend brings me a big Diet Pepsi every week to church to have while I work in the library (he's so awesome!) I swear a lot (yes, I am admitting this for everyone to see, it is by far my worst habit), and although I am Republican I am not as conservative in many areas as other Mormons. I call people on stuff if I think they are being unkind or hypocritical. Sometimes it's received well, and sometimes it's not. And I'm called out on things. Sometimes I receive it, and sometimes I don't. But that's pretty much how life is.
So, I understand when a parent has a child that doesn't fit the Mormon mold. Because I don't. And I'm kind of done trying to, or feeling bad about it. I like who I am. I have many imperfections and things that I work on every day, but I am happy for the life experiences I have had, for being a single mother, for being a working mother and for all the heartbreaking and dreadful, but inspiring and empowering things I witness on a daily basis.
I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am not ashamed of the Gospel and not ashamed to be a member of the LDS church. I love my Savior and I lean on him every day as I try to be a better wife, mother, mother-in-law, sister, aunt, cousin, colleague, Manager, friend and Sister in the Gospel.
I don't fit the Mormon mold and I'm okay with that. I am unique. I am a daughter of God. And I can say, I like my mold.
Time Out for Women - a conference for LDS women...they are awesome. This is me and my cousin Jackie; can you tell we are related?
I was SOOOO lucky to meet and hear speak my favorite Mormon speaker and author, Chieko Okazaki, who passed away not long after this conference. She helped me to know that it was okay not to fit the mold.
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